but I can’t be unless you can be you!

As I was driving down the road shortly after Trump’s first day executive order redefining sex and gender, a complicated mix of anger, sadness, angst came over me.

I am a cis white relatively healthy female which by definition puts me in a better position than many people in a world of prejudging and racism and ableism even if I have to deal with sexist attitudes towards women (that is another blog). 

I have never questioned that I was cis female but I never quite fit into our societal notions of femininity either. I never owned a Barbie doll. I haven’t owned makeup since I was in theater in high school. As a flat chested woman the notion of a bra is superfluous. I didn’t want children. I married my husband because I love him and it was logistically convenient but before I met him I didn’t think I would get married. Many “women’s” activities make me yawn. Sort of androgynous I guess.

I am an introvert even as I play an extrovert on TV which ironically probably made it easier on me to dance around the edges of societal expectations. I could tell myself “well you just don’t like parties and find people overwhelming”. And to this day I get incredibly annoyed at articles and opinion pieces that declare “women think this” or “women do that” because often I don’t. Including me in their narrow view of “woman” is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Incredibly annoying.

When I was in grad school in the 80s, as lesbians claimed their space in society, I felt comfortable with but not of that community. My older brother called me his “straight dyke” sister.  If there was a box to put me in that probably was the right one. But in the 80s we, as a society,  still had very binary approaches to sexuality and gender. You were straight or gay. Some brave people said “both”. But fundamentally gender was still defined in this duality of either/or. 

If you study biology and are willing to accept that humans are animals then you see a kaleidoscope of biological sexual characteristics in nature that bely these binary notions of sex. If you look at cultures across the world, definitions of what is appropriate gender behavior for “males” and “females” varies. Clearly, we construct these notions and then impose them on people. Sometimes we don’t even know that they have been imposed upon us. For some people they just seem to fit. But for others it is a daily struggle to fit in these limiting categories. And there are people all across a spectrum of how comfortably they fit. It seems to me that it doesn’t matter who sleeps (or doesn’t) with who as long as it is consensual. No harm done, none of my business and no matter how hard I try I can’t come up with a logical, rational reason for wanting to interfere in people’s interpersonal relationships or the way they express their authentic selves unless it does harm to another. I have too many other things to think about or worry about.

As I was driving that day last month, it suddenly hit me, as the LBG movement turned into the LBGT and the LBGTQ+ and so on, people were beginning  to break out of binary notions of gender and sex. Pushing back on binary notions that often pit one human against another for no other reason than “difference”. I have felt a quiet happiness for people who find themselves and feel more comfortable in their own skin. 

 But suddenly I realized that I personally had benefited from this increasing openness. I wore the label “straight dyke” quite comfortably in those days because, while it lacked subtlety, it was a better description of me than many. Gender is a social construct just a sex is a biological one (that is way more complicated than the binary notion I was taught in high school biology) As I look back, the label was an oxymoron that poked at the society created gender roles. That label, however ironic, started to carve a space where I myself felt less awkward for not quite fitting a model of femininity that was dominant. There were other “straight dykes” out there! The more people are able to be who they are, the more I am able to be me. 

But now a cold chill hits me because everything that is going on now is rolling back that openness that allows people to be fully themselves.

Categorizing things can be helpful in deciding how to respond to this complex world, giving us a shorthand to make decisions quickly and efficiently. Does that animal mean us harm or is it safe? Labels can be helpful. I don’t need a life story of someone wearing a Boston Red Sox cap to make a fairly confident guess about  who they are rooting for in the World Series (though I shouldn’t assume because maybe they borrowed the hat from a friend to keep the sun out of their eyes). 

But labels and categories, especially ones that are “either/or” diminish us as well, excluding richness and complexity especially if we use them to suppress another being.  And sometimes accepting that the labels we have are not sufficient to the task of including all people, brings out the otherwise invisible. A society allowing people to be who they are and not some narrow version of themselves allows us to be freer in our own lives, even if we “fit in” with the dominant narrative. So, we both need labels and we need to move beyond them.

I am an old fogey and I get my he/she/they mixed up. And sometimes I wish the world was just easier to navigate. I want things to be simple. But I do a disservice to all the marvelous people who made my life richer if I don’t try to struggle through my own habits. The gift that the LBGTQ+ movement and those breaking gender norms has given me is that I can recognize that it is normal to be different!

What a relief. I am really bad at being somebody else.

I can only dimly imagine what it must be like to be in high school and feel so “othered”. And then go through life feeling on the outs.  My heart hurts for any person who struggles. 

That which threatens anyone who steps outside of the dominant norms of society, also threatens me and every other human being. What diminishes them, diminishes me and the possibilities for me to see the wonderful complexity that is humanity. The effort it takes to live in this world that hates difference when one is  “different” takes energy away from being the most creative and contributing member of society that an individual can be. We miss out on so much when we “other” people. Oh to live in  a society that accepts “difference”  as normal and just a part of who we as a species are. I have learned so much from my LBGTQ+ friends and acquaintances who have been brave enough to be open. 

So this hatred and vitriol and fear and diminishment of people, I just don’t understand. Human beings are a kaleidoscope that is colorful and amazing and ever shifting as we respond to the world around us. Sometimes it is daunting to respond in an open way to “different” but in my experience the benefits far outweigh the workload. And sometimes, you might even find a new part of yourself or a new level of comfort in your own skin. 

As we lose the progress  we have made in accepting diversity, I and every other person loses too. 

I am not worried about me personally right now. I fit enough of the stereotypes that I will “fit in” But I know I owe a deep debt to those who opened these doors. I better know who I am because of their struggles. And so their struggles into this uncertain future have to be mine. They have enriched my notions of what it is to be human. I can do nothing less than return the favor. “Their” struggle is mine. Countering the hatred towards “other” is on all of us.

It is normal to be different and I wish for everyone the opportunity to be accepted when they sing “I just wanna be me.”